「英検1級ライティング 2023年度第2回 やってみたよ＆添削受けたよ の回（前半）」
11月3日作成 (200-240 words)
お題（ライティング 2023年度第2回）→Do social welfare programs help reduce inequality in society?
自分の答え
I think social welfare programs help reduce inequality in society.
First, welfare programs help reduce educational inequality. Some people from poor background receive good education for free or at low cost funded by government. This financial support lessens the negative impact on being born in a disadvantaged family. A child cannot choose what kind of family one will be born in, so this kind of affirmative action is necessary to minimize the gap between rich and poor.
Second, after going through some heavy accidents such as injury, sickness, losing job or mental crisis, some people need some amount of money to raise themselves out of poverty.
This amount of money is used to live a life which can get the basic necessities in life such as food and utility bills. Therefore they can earn some time to recover and start working again.
Third, immigrants need some financial help to live in Japan. Some of them have trouble getting used to living in Japan. They need some help to learn basic Japanese to be able to live in the society. Japanese language lessons for free or at a low price run by government should be provided to immigrants.
Therefore, social welfare program will be crucial to reduce equality in society, giving educational support to children in a disadvantaged background, minimum financial support to those in need and giving language support to those from abroad. (233)
修正した点 振り返り
一段落
・最初にたくさん勢いで書くと字数が大変オーバーしてしまうので、一旦書き上げた後に、修正をしました。
・ in a disadvantaged family→ここは元々、poor familyと書いていましたが、poorの代わりに少しかっこいい響きのdisadvantage を使いました。またin poor familyと無冠詞で書いてしまっていました。今思うと、underprivileged という表現も使えそうです。
・とにかくwillが多いので取り外しなさい というネイティブの先生からの指摘を受けました。「willが多いと未来の話になってしまう、自信がなさそうにも見える、このお題は今起きていることについて、賛成か反対かを述べていく問題なので、原則willは使わなくて良い」というお話でした。自分はwillを字数稼ぎに使っていたのですが、不要な場合は使わんとこ、 と思いました。
